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Gordon Brown Jokes

Some Gordon Brown jokes:

Looking back on my career, I swear that I'm jinxed. Every institution, every business I've worked for has folded. The school I went to burned down shortly after I left- the first company I worked for collapsed and went bankrupt- the University I studied at was charged with massive corruption and gross professional misconduct- the school I taught at was shut down. I ran my own business- an old, historical pub which closed down and was demolished shortly after. I might have a subconscious instict to "board a sinking ship." Anyway, enough of that, My name is Gordon Brown, Labour party - I hope that I can count on your vote in the next election.

An old lady came home from the church bring and buy sale quite pleased that she had managed to get an old oil lamp to replace the one she'd broken. Sitting it on the kitchen table she began to give the glass cover a good old clean when in a puff of smoke a little old man appeared.
"Fuck me!" she said "Who the hell are you?"
"I am the genie of the lamp and you now have three wishes."
"Yeah right! Like I believe all that bollocks. OK if you're a Genie then make me young again. Make me 21."
There was a flash and the old lady felt very different and rushing over to the mirror she was overjoyed at seeing her young self looking back.
"Oh god this is marvelous. Ok Genie make me the richest girl in the country."
Another puff of smoke and there on the table was a bank statement with her name on showing quite a ridiculous amount of money in the balance column.
"Right well for my last wish I've always wanted a really tight cunt."
And in a puff of smoke there stood Gordon Brown.

A man was coming home from work one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt.
He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked him what was wrong. The cop said, "We are in a crisis situation. Gordon Brown is in the road very upset. He does not have the £10 billion needed to fill his black hole, and everyone hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in petrol and start a fire."
The man asked the police officer exactly what he was doing there.
The bobby said, " I feel sorry for the Chancellor so I am going car to car asking for donations."
The man asked, "How much do you have so far?"
The bobby replied, "Well as of right now only 99 litres, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

At an international medical conference, four doctors were discussing the state of medicine in their respective countries.

The Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

The German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

The Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!


Gordon Brown goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."
The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...you're a cunt."

Gordon Brown was not elected by us, he was given to us. Does this make him a donation? If so can we give the fucker back?

 

Gordon Brown has said the recent polls haven't worried him at all. He stated, "They're doing a lovely job on my kitchen."

Q) What has Gordon Brown got that's 40cm long, pink and full of sticky stuff?
A) A son with cystic fibrosis

There has been a lot of criticism of the Labour Government's policy to send British Troops to Iraq. However, Gordon Brown has assured them that many years from now, the British troops will reflect back to their time in Iraq and be proud of what they have done.

I say thats bollocks. Many years from now the British troops are probably going to look back on their time in Iraq, and wonder why they are still there.

the 7 dwarves are in a cave when it suddenly collapses.snow white is worried for their lives,until she hears a voice from inside the cave saying "i think gordon brown is a great prime minister".she says,"thank heavens,at least dopey's all right!"

An Old priest lay dying in hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of London. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die," whispered the preist

"I'll see what I can do, Father," said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the House of Commons and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon would be delighted to meet the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Tony: "I don't know why the old priest would want to meet us, but it certainly might help our images and even get me elected for Prime Minister for another term. Tony agreed that it was a very good especially if they got press coverage.

When they arrived at the hospital bed the old priest took Gordan's hand in his right hand and Tony's Hand in his left.
There was a silence and the look of serenity on the priest face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen why choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The Old preist replied slowly: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Gordon.
"Amen" said Tony.
The old priest continued: "He died between two lying bastards. I would like to do the same."

Gordon Brown has been very bad this year so Santa is bringing him a lump of coal. Ironically the last thing he needs is more northern rock.

Gordon Brown and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Gordon told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Gordon sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Gordon.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his gorgeous 19 year old daughter ripped my clothes off and gave me a blow job.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Brown.

The driver replies, "I'm Gordon Brown's driver, and I just killed the pig out on the road"

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He
says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that,
St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the
elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian
outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

A little boy goes to see his dad and says, "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

His father replies, "Sure, son. What's the question?"

The little boy says, "What is politics?"

"Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'Gordon Brown.' Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her 'Alistair Darling.' We take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' We'll call the maid 'The Working Class,' and your baby brother we can call 'The Future.' Do you understand, son?

"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

"Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

"Well, dad, while Gordon Brown is screwing the Working Class, Alistair Darling is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.