Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
-- Frankie Boyle

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
-- Frankie Boyle

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-- Anonymous

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favourite activities is Protestant spotting.
-- Mel Brooks

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
-- W.C. Fields

I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
-- W.C. Fields

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- Somerset Maugham

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-- Dale Carnegie

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
-- Jim Morrison

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan O’Brien

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher

She can hardly get through an open door without explicit directions.
-- William Lee Scott (on Claudia Schiffer)

Make crime pay - become a lawyer.
-- Will Rogers

A secretary ran into the bosses office and said "Can I use your dictaphone?" He says, "no, use your finger like everybody else"
-- Bernard Manning

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

Ken dodd of all the comedians - tight. We went to a stripshow and he wanted half of his money back because one of the strippers only had one t*t.
-- Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
-- Bernard Manning

Ah, stardom! They put your name on a star in the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard and you walk down and find a pile of dog manure on it. That tells the whole story, baby.
-- Lee Marvin

Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
-- Peter Kay

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-- Frank Sinatra

How could Bernard Manning be a racist when he had four black horses pulling his coffin?
-- Frank Carson

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
-- Bernard Manning

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
-- Tommy Cooper

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
-- Dick Van Dyke

For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
-- Pablo Picasso

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
-- Miguel De Cervantes

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
-- Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock.
-- Dave Allen

I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.
-- Tommy Cooper

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
-- Les Dawson

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
-- Sean Williamson

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
-- Gloria Steinem

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard!
-- Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
-- Rodney Dangerfield

You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
-- Norman Mailer

The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more.
-- Colleen McCullough

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
-- Michael Caine (Alfie, 1966)